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* * *

Um... So... yeah.

It's 2011!

I haven't posted on here in half-a-decade.  And I even remembered my password!  Tons of things have changed.  I actually have a boyfriend who is not a douche.  (Shocking, I know.)  We've been together for 3 1/2 years.  I've been back in school for about 3 years as a music major.  I'm acutally pulling straight A's, so that's pretty sweet.

I have a TON of songs and poetry that I think I would like to share, so I'm going to sift through the pile of spirals sitting in a box in my living room... I miss this journal and I miss this place!

The World Makes Me Feel::
creative creative
I'm Jammin' To::
Bob Marley - No Woman No Cry
* * *
I could love you if you'd only let me.

better than anyone else in the world.

* * *
As she sat there she wondered, "What could've possibly wounded you so deeply."
Those foamy, sea-colored eyes seemed to gently push their way past all of her defenses.
So light, but such shadow hiding just beyond that beautiful burst of marine hue.
One finger, from his hand, touched one finger, from her hand... for all too brief a moment.
A spark.
"You are my stardust."
* * *
Wow... I'm so high off of energy right now.

I had an awesome night.

and no. i'm not on anything nor have i been under the influence of anything all day and all night. So nguh! uh uh uh!

I spent the night at node, talking to Tim (...) dav-eed (uh... yea) david (he's cool) and Dre (knock knock). Left for a little while and came back. And it was good.

Suffice it to say that sunrise this morning was BEAUTIFUL and I am most content. i'm on this massive energy rush, but I am happy... and not that superficial "i'm gonna pretend to be happy" happy. This is genuine happy. Just because my night went amazing (without chemical help).

The image that remains completely etched in my brain is of two eyes. kind of bluish. Kind of greenish. Kind of greyish. With shadowy midnight-bluish flecs in them.

How can something so bright be so dark?

* * *
Just spent SEVEN FUCKING HOURS digging Brick's car out and helping to tow it with the Ford from Waukesha to Big Bend. First we had to unfreeze the tires from the ground. Then we had to try to push it over the ice. Then we had to try digging it out. then we tried pushing it again. Then we jacked it up and, since there was some rust on the underbody, Brick basically bent part of the underbody. We then tried to put the doughnut on only to find out that the last bolt was a special lock bolt to keep your rims/tires from being stolen. so then we had to put the other bolts back on. Then we had to continue trying to push the thing over this huge patch of ice that we couldn't quite chop up. At one point, I was walking over to tell mike something when one of my feet slipped on the ice and i ended up doing the splits. Not just half splits, we're talking crotch on the ground, legs completely straight out splits. The kind that people pull groin muscles doing. Yup. Hard time walking. Why? BECAUSE I PULLED A GROIN MUSCLE. fuck. And then I continued pushing until we finally got the car out far enough to attatch the tow rope to it and pull it. So I follow the fiero and the ford in my corolla. Half way there, just as we hit the ES intersection, the rope breaks. So we tie it back together and finally make it to Big Bend. in one piece. thank the heavens. And now I'm home. Brick KILLED his fucking back, hardcore, (and is currently finishing off MY rootbeer. dick), I pulled my groin (not like i'm going to use it anyway, i suppose) and mike is dying of back/leg pain. And we're all cold. So everyone should be exstatic that they're not here right now. Because anybody that walks through that door tonight is going to get an ear full. No doubt. And I feel so fucking bad for Brick. His back is hurt pretty bad... I almost wonder if I should force him to go see someone about it tomarrow.
I guess we'll see in the morning.
I'm off to go finish up the hot-cocoa-from-scratch for the redhead and some speghetti too, because we're all starving. This is going to be the first meal i've eaten in days. So the cutting back on food is going well. I just need to get something in my stomach before I do my errands tomarrow, as the meds i'll be starting are going to make me nausious as hell.
* * *
* * *
God my fucking arm hurts! bastard.
I love wrestling matches, woo!

so i created a music myspace and this girl I met at node works for Pridefest and is currently trying to get me a slot... which shocks the hell out of me! And she's actively persuing this. Not only that, but she e-mailed this girl in this band just asking for a friendly word and maybe some advice to be sent to me... I don't believe this. How rock awesome? I'm all sort of hyper and excited over all of this.... I could kiss the woman, believe you me!

anyway, the music myspace is found at the following web addresss: www.myspace.com/katielynnz
shitty recording, but it'll do for now until i can get a better one.

Life has been complicated lately. I have no fucking idea what's been going through my head lately... I think I just need to sleep alone and chill out and spend a night SOBER (which hasn't happened in a month now) and thinking. God... every night I seem to get more trashed than the last. And it doesn't help that since the gang has been living here, we've basically taken it upon ourselves to become practicing alcoholics. I don't know what it is, but when I wake up, the first thing I go for is a beer. And that's the way it is with all of us.

I've managed to cut way back on my food intake too. Today I only ate 1 slice of pizza when I woke up and Laz, Dom, Beck, and Brick took me with them to webbs, so I ate dinner there. I really need to lose this excess weight before I end up dead. Having a coronary at 22 is not my idea of goodness.

but let me be honest, I HATE looking unappealing. I keep looking in the mirror and cringing every time I see myself. I'm not trying to get attention, I actually think I'm hideous. And yeah, I did mention something about it today because Dom was sitting there calling me "cute" and "beautiful" which really bothers me. Seriously, just 50 pounds. If I can lose that I can do anything.
* * *
I hate having to resign myself to something less than what I want.

-=kicks couch=-

ah, but my apartment is blissfully void of people save for my astoundingly gorgeous roommate, which, to say the least, is a much needed break from all the commotion. Atleast my neighbors will be happy.

So I guess, at this very moment, things are dealable. I woke up feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

I have a few more pieces that I will share from the past week or so as soon as I find them.


* * *
Wrote This In A Drunken Stupor
shadows of smoke shift before my eyes
reflections of inner thoughts
they kiss the ceiling as i float away
so many thoughts
so many forbidden images
that float around my head
prohibited desire
aching within my very body
i cannot have you now or ever
but we always want that which we cannot have
have i let myself down?
have i offered up for sacrifice something i clung so dearly to in the past?
irritating knowledge
i cannot fathom the depths of your beautiful dispair
and i crave to be taken advantage of
in this state
so clear everything becomes
you can never want me
but i'll always need you
aching, hurting, dying for just one touch
incapable of accepting reality
and wanting to slaughter the truth
blissfull intoxication
flowing through my veins
kill me, please
let me die wiith your beautiful face as the last thing i see
how can you have gotten under my skin
i want so bad to touch you
i hurt when you hate
this dangerous infatuation
is seering my very insides
scorched organs seething
one more
just give me one more
and i will crawl beneath the ruined fortress
that was built upon my dillusions
The World Makes Me Feel::
I'm Jammin' To::
I.D.I.O.T. by Mudvayne
* * *
You know, i've had alot of time to think the past few days/weeks... and despite all the shit that's gone wrong already this year, i thinke everything's going to be alright.

for the first time since i hit puberty, i'm actually happy to be alive.

so here's to growing up.

and living it up.

because the next moment may very well be my last.

* * *
I need a fix.

I'm off to find my crutch and vice to help me get through tonight.

* * *
* * *
Alanna had her baby!

Jeremy Nicholas Stankiewicz-Metzger

11 p. 8 oz

20 1/2 inches

and the most magnificent eyes i've ever SEEN!

* * *
Omnipotence paradox
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Ibn Rushd (1126–1198), known as Averroës, one of the first philosophers to propose the omnipotence paradoxThe omnipotence paradox is a paradox arising from the attempt to apply logic to the notion of an omnipotent being. It appears when one asks whether or not an omnipotent being is able to limit its own omnipotence, thus becoming non-omnipotent. Some philosophers see it as proof of the impossibility of the existence of any such entity; others assert that the paradox arises from a misunderstanding or mischaracterization of the concept of omnipotence. In addition, several philosophers have considered the assumption that a being is either omnipotent or non-omnipotent to be a false dilemma, as it avoids the possibility of varying degrees of omnipotence (Haeckel).

The paradox is often based on the God of the Abrahamic religions, though this is not a requirement. Since the Middle Ages, philosophers have phrased the paradox in many ways, of which the classic example is, "Could an omnipotent being create a stone so heavy that even that being could not lift it?" This particular statement has subtle flaws (discussed below), but as the most famous version, it still serves adequately for illustrating the different ways the paradox has been analyzed.

In order to analyse the omnipotence paradox in a rigorous way, one must first establish the precise definition of omnipotence. The definition of omnipotence varies amongst cultures and religions, and from one philosopher to another. A common definition is "all-powerful", but that is insufficient for the omnipotence paradox. This paradox cannot be formulated, for example, if one defines omnipotence as the ability to operate outside the constraints of any logical framework. Modern approaches to the problem have involved the study of semantics, debating whether language—and therefore philosophy—can meaningfully address the concept of omnipotence itself.

in the great words of Homer Simpson "Can Jesus microwave a burito so hot that even he, himself could not eat it?"
* * *
I've been spending way too much time in my apartment, trying to ignore the fact that I am SERIOUSLY unhappy with the way things are going. I feel ignored, passed over, and completely expendable, and, even besides the fact that no one's even noticed, noone even seems to give a flying fuck.

So with that said, I think the apathy level of this particular chapter has gone +10.

and you people wonder why i hide.

The World Makes Me Feel::
I'm Jammin' To::
repetitive tecno SHIT on the node speakers
* * *
I can't breath without upsetting the world.
I can't live without making someone disappointed.
Existance is futile.

So i'm super hopeless right now, obviously, and i don't even want to be helped. I just want to shove everyone away from me and dissappear... unfortunately i know i'll regret it in the end because I love knowing people and having people know me... just not right now.
right now i just want to be blipped.

i could hide forever, you know. But it wouldn't do me any good... as tempting as the idea seems.
and you knwo what? i am a poser.

I know a little of this and a little of that... just enough to make me seem cool. But in reality, i'm nothing. i'm an overweight bag of emotions, fat, and ugliness that burns from inside... because i'm a wretched, manipulative person. I've somehow become everything i hate in other people... and i must've done it well because i have everybody utterly convinced that i'm some sort of generous, good person... even when i tell them they're wrong. even when i give them examples of exactly WHY i'm a wretched human being.

so would you all please just let me disappear in silence? please?
* * *
i've layed myself down
and here i am
daydreaming hopeless dreams about you
the tears burn and sting, stabbing at the backs of my eyes
but never flowing.
my body convulses with another set of the shakes
the vicodin and rum run through my blood
clouding my eyes
my heart just hurts so bad
and i feel so ugly
because you've let me go
before you ever had me.
another "show-tell smile" to make my night even blacker
even bleaker
If i died here
ceased breathing
not a soul would notice...
i am souless.
i'm the girl in your room... the girl who's not breathing
blow me a kiss
to shatter my body
and i'll be wisped away by the windy emptiness
i cant stand to be like this
alone in here
my stomach twisted into a series of knots
that will never be untangled
it's almost two in the morning
and my eyes are already drooping
my breath already growing short.
my daydreams turn to nightmares
but i'll wake up
and never remember a thing.
* * *
* * *
never again am i falling for someone.

never, ever, ever again.

* * *
i am so hungry right now, it feelslike my stomach is going to rip itself out of my abdomen and slime it's way to the nearest fast food joint. i have a party tonight. woo. i was SUPPOSED to get my hair yarned. that didn't happen either. Oh well, atleast i have an internet signal in my room and a computer to cuddle with at night. -=eye roll=-

i have no food. arrg!

* * *
So for christmas I bought my mom this book she wanted, my brother got a john candy dvd, and my dad got the first two seasons of Seinfeld. They all liked what they got! And i've never gotten so many hugs from my brother in my entire life.

So, what did I get for christmas? Alot... more than I was expecting.... WAY more than I was expecting. In fact... i'm not even really sure how my mom could afford everything she got. I ended up with these two really BEAUTIFUL shirts! A super cute velvety purse type thing with teal paisly and gold trim, some minutes for my phone (i can always use more), slippers, a robe (that she made her self), a mr. coffee, my favorite shampoo, and... check this out... a brand new notebook computer.

oh dear.

I can't believe she did that!

I had no idea!

the wireless card is already installed in my computer. The signal's pretty good inside my parent's house, but if i can't pirate a signal from a neighbor somewhere, i'll have to run out and get a better wireless card. Wow! I might actually have computer access at home!

moving right along, i need to see K-doh today. Last night was Mom's side of the family and tomarrow night is going to be spent with the dad's side of the family. My brother is irritating the piss out of me... i think he's had too much candy.

I think I'll have to go into the church thing a little later. Lets just say that I was more than pleasantly surprised by the new pastor at my parent's church... for the first time ever i didn't mind being dragged into a house of a faith that i don't belong to.

I feel warm and fuzzy. And I hope my sink hasn't overflowed.
* * *
"If You Only Knew How Much I Love You... but i wont be your winter, cuz i wont be anyone's excuse to cry"

Sam and I are talking about the "Emo Box."
this is quite possibly the most amusing conversation outside of node i've had in months!

Listening to Marley and sitting here with a capri bitch stick in my mouth. who ever came up with the idea for 120's is absolutley insane.

I'm goning to see my parents for the first time in awhile tonight... i miss my brother... every time i've been over there in the past six months he's been up in his room. I'm decorating christmas cookies with him tonight and I'm actually excited!

I'm looking forward to the holidays but everybody's presents are going to be a little late. You'll probably get them at the new years party if that's alright...

Love hurts so damn badly...
And I hate the 19th of december... but nobody remembers why except for me. And that's painfull too.

The World Makes Me Feel::
weird weird
I'm Jammin' To::
Turn Your Lights Down Low by Bob Marley
* * *
It has come to my attention that i am apparently a "child" and that i am "going to hell" and that i am "what's dragging down society."
Normally i would flip these people off and scream obscenities at my moniter and let that be that.

Not this time.

I have had ENOUGH.

Why is it every low-class redneck piece of trash automatically assumes that they are oh so mature and that I am shit? You know, I may only be 21 and i may be able to complete my sentences with some amount of intelligence, but that does NOT mean that I am a child.
And for your information, proper grammer and the ability to represent oneself well with the written language actually ARE important to success.
Next, HOW DARE you assume that I am 'just a kid.' One's maturity actually has very little to do with age. Life experiance has more of a bearing on one's maturity level. And I'll thank you very kindly to shut the fuck up about people you know nothing about. For example, if i wanted to, based off of your journal and your responses only, i could deduce that you are nothing more than an under-educated, ignorant, arrogant, bible-thumping pile of trash.
oh wait. I already have.
So you can go ahead and spout off your ignorant gibberish. I just want you to know that I have been through more and seen more and DONE more than you could ever hope to. I WILL be successful in my endevors because I know how to handle most people correctly to get what i need or what i want... and... more importantly, i know how to handle myself to get what i need and what i want.

And now, to piss you people off even more, here are MY controversial opinions! AND THEY'RE NOT BEHIND A FUCKING CUT!
1) abortion is neccessary sometimes. It's a horrible situation but sometimes it's the only choice. fucking deal with it. I personally would never get an abortion but i deserve the right to make that decision for myself. Every woman should HAVE THAT RIGHT. if you don't agree with me, go fuck yourself.

2) I am sick and fucking tired of the right wing trampling on my rights. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO INVADE MY PRIVACY WITHOUT DUE CAUSE. I am not a terrorist. I am a fucking American. I am not planning on killing anyone, i'm not planning on blowing anything up. I plan on living my life to the fullest extent that i possibly can. I hate the fact that you are trying to impede upon this goal just because I don't agree with you!

3) This whole religion issue is shit. People can believe in whatever the fuck they want to believe. And they also have the right NOT to believe. My personal religious philosephy doesn't include 'hell' or 'satan.' I do believe, however, that if you don't get it right, you gotta do it all over again until you DO get it right. The next person that tells me i'm going to hell is getting a piece of my mind. How can i possibly go to a place that DOESN'T EXIST. I KNOW you all think you're right... That's faith. But I have faith in my own beliefs and damnit, my system is more beautiful and loving than any monotheistic ethereal father figure you damn 'official' denominations have dreamed up. TOLERANCE and KARMIC RETRIBUTION being two of the biggest points. (and i'm going to get a good swift kick of karma in the ass for this. but it needs to be said)

4) all this fighting over words! A swear word is just a word. how the hell can you take offense to just another thing used to show emotion? when you hit yourself on the thumb with a hammer, you don't say "aww nuts. that hurt" you scream "Fucking Sonuvabitch!" or somethign similar. Words are words and, as a writer, i believe that all of the words in the english language are perfectly usable!

5) Petty acts of irritation. You want to get me kicked out of a community i've belonged to for two years, go right ahead. but don't think that i'm not going to try and defend myself. and in a more irl setting: you want to talk shit about me behind my back, don't think i wont hear about it. And when i hear about it, you'll be even more sorry than if you had just said it to my face. If you're too much of a pussy to call me a bitch or a cunt or a whore or what-have-you to my face than keep your mouth shut. The consequences of trechery are far worse than those of open hatred!

so go ahead. flame me! let the god-damned barbeque begin!
* * *
* * *
I am SO inlove with my new layout! it's GORGEOUS!
The World Makes Me Feel::
amused amused
I'm Jammin' To::
* * *
i swear, the longer i live, the more stupid people get.
Sometimes we find amusement in the dumb things people do and say. (thats where lj communities like mock the stupid and shows like america's funniest home videos come in) but, for the most part, they're only an annoyance.
(kyle just told me i'm going down like a hot muffin. He's so damn gorgeous that if he started throwing hot muffins at me, i'd probably just drool all over him. but i do that anyway.)
anyway, i'm honestly sick and tired of people's ignorance standing in MY way.
I sit here and TRY to have intelligent conversations and all the sudden i'm suspected of trying to get into someone's pants. I can't help it if i make eye contact when i'm talking to someone.
Nevermind the fact that i'm completely smitten with someone who's interest is feigning... (but, as per usual, MY interest will remain entirely intact until he does something catastrophic to my pride.)
i know that there is hope for people in general... at least i hope there is, but my apathetic indifference (i think that was repetitious) just wont go away. I am entirely too verbally abusive and i know it. My cynical remarks are WAY out of hand as of late, but honestly, why should i care if i hurt people that don't give two shits about me?
and as for attacking random people online, I can't help it if I visit a community for the first time in AGES and find stupid, ignorant filth crowding the posts. OF COURSE i'm going to respond... especially when a dumbass, ignorant bitch with a superiority complex decides to try and support her claim to dominance with narrow-minded opinions not backed by any fact, only her irrational emotional baggage.
and that was totally a run on sentence.
but i don't care! no more grammar police!
The World Makes Me Feel::
amused amused
I'm Jammin' To::
* * *
I am so ANGRY at all this obsession with sex lately. I have NO IDEA how many STD's are running through this one particular social group i belong to.
it's irritating.

In an absinthe-induced haze I wrote a couple of songs. This morning, after popping a few painkillers for the abhorrant pain in my knee, i created the guitar parts.

this afternoon, still mildly numb, i got the second guitar part and bass line written.

I'm cutting my new demo right after christmas. Once i get the cd done then i'll post four songs on myspace and create a link from here to there.

as for my recent lack of posting, i have a new blog on myspace. I like myspace a little better but i promise not to neglect live journal anymore. I'm thinking about turning this (my written piece's journal) into a secondary regular journal.

yay for being fickle!

* * *
Can you fall as freely as the world?
can you plumet blindly into another deadly hearbreak?
can you love the spitefull angels that seek to kill everyuthing you are?
can you handle someone willing to accept every imperfection that makes you who you are?
another driveby arrow through the ribcage.
this blood-splattered dashboard reminds me of you
my violent haze of mind-numbing aqua
like overpowering lust that could last for ages
and end up leaving me broken and lifeless in the arms of another hopeless affair.
freefall with me into this bottomless misery
escape life for just a while
and know that my eyes have already changed you

Filth about VedCollapse )

* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
I think I'm dying inside.
I just want so bad to touch him...

and i HATE being vulnerable like this.
I haven't been defenseless in so long...
not like this.

* * *
NOTE: this isn't an anti-war piece. it's an anti-roommate piece. fucking bastard. i can't wait until he's gone.


He rants and raves
spewing forth angry, hateful slurs.
He is supreme.
Women, blacks, arabs, all are inferior to his gun toting majesty.
Pitty the boy who fashions himself a man
who can never accept the beauty of diversity.
Ignorance reigns supreme.
and he, in that case, is certainly superior.

* * *
this one is called "life" (please note the quotations. there aren't there for proper grammar. they are there for sarcastic tone.)


I bet you thought you were above all of this.
the need to lance the proverbial blister
and painfully rid your self of a mess that you incited.
your vain need to be superior
is what has screwed you over once again.
not me.
the world ain't out to get you honey...
its not the world you can't trust.
it's yourself.
so as you scream and shout obscenities
refusing any other voice that contradicts yours,
i will listen carefully.
i will feel secure in YOUR insecurities.
your juvenile attempts to mimic some superficial, mainstream rendition of day-time T.V. styled evil
only produces a sick sort of pity.
but then again, the pathetic always get my pity.
i can only hope to accept the consequences of my own actions.
i will not pay yours away.
i can only bare my own self-induced burdens.
i will not drag yours along behind me.
maybe years from now, as you rot alive
moving inexorable towards your final, rasping breath,
you will look back on this sorry excuse for what you claim is "life."
you will see nothing but apathy, ignorance prejudice, and self-induced misery.
accept your unhappiness.
you've caused it yourself.
perhaps, as you die, you'll finally realize
that you can't blame modern psychology for the waste that is your "life."
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